Why Twilight is Actually Good: an uncommon opinion

It’s not.

I mean of course it’s not.

From the writing to the music choices to the twisted illustration of love, this movie is wrong on so many levels.

Bare with me here…

Let’s start with what I find most egregious: Edward Cullen.  He’s emotionally detached, bordering on sociopathy.  Edward tells Bella they shouldn’t be friends, walks away mid conversation, and then stalks her and breaks into her room to watch her sleep.  It’s so unsexy; I think any normal teenager would think he was weird, not intriguing.  As Bella and his relationship grows (inexplicably), it becomes sickly codependent (“We can never be apart.”).  The relationship is nothing short of abusive, hidden under a veil of intense love and desire.  He’s aggressive with Bella, chastising her for being clumsy, handles her roughly, and even ignores her own wishes. But he’s only trying to protect her.  From herself.

Let’s not forget the fact that the film makers threatened to rape Bella in order to create a scenario for Edward to sweep in and save the day.  I don’t know if this is meant to be seductive, but it really just comes off as creepy.  Are the viewers supposed to be endeared to Edward because of this event?  Because I’m not.  I’m really just disappointed in Meyer and Hardwicke and everyone else involved, really. 

Excuse me while I go on a rant

Moreover, why do we have to hurt women to give men character? Even when a girl is the main character, she ends up being the woman in the refrigerator: a device in which a woman endures (or succumbs to) a trauma, creating a catalyst to advance a man’s storyline.  It’s a movie FOR teenage girls!  Are we really suggesting that girls be victimized so men can be the heroes? 

I’m so sick of this message!

That women exist solely to be consumed by men. 

That they are nothing more than a resource

to be sucked dry…

(Many hours later…)

A foil to Edward, in my opinion, is Mike.  Mike is also possessive of Bella, even going so far as to tell her he “doesn’t like” Bella and Edward together.  Again, are we supposed to be endeared to Mike for being “protective,” the same way we are to Edward? Or are we supposed to be enlightened to how unappealing teenage boys are?  #kind of all teenage boys. 

But not exactly all teenage boys, because there will always be Jacob Black.  Friend of old, he’s the only guy who doesn’t make my skin crawl.  There’s an effortless believability in their friendship, and I’m not sure what to attribute it to.  It’s sure as hell ain’t the writing.

This dog shit movie was based on a dog shit book, so it should come as no surprise that the script is dog shit.  The writing waffles between bad and lazy.  (It’s so bad, in fact, that I can, and do, forgive the actors who have gone on to do other decent work.)  In some scenes, there isn’t even any dialogue at all.  Just shots of B&E talking with music playing over.  I can’t decide if this is because the writers couldn’t think of any more angsty bullshit the pair could say to one another, or if they knew that anything two teenagers trying to be romantic with each other could say wouldn’t be worth hearing.

But here is what I really appreciate about Twilight. 

Some of these awkward scenes are so genuine that it’s actually brilliant.  To be able to make these scenes feel organic despite the piss poor script, the actors approach their roles with a level of sincerity that, while often falling victim to this just being a bad story, occasionally hits the mark.  And I’m not talking about those cringy scenes that are trying to be edgy; when Edward reveals his true nature to Bella; when the two of them end up having a dinner date in La Push; and definitely not when Edward calls Bella spider monkey.

I mean the scenes when she and Jacob are talking on the beach; when she is comforting Charlie after his friend is found dead, when Bella and Edward talk about Clair de Lune right before he calls her a fucking spider monkey. 

Not to mention all the clumsy moments Bella has.  Slipping on the driveway, hitting Jacob with the door of her truck, making dumb jokes during PE.  These moments are not played up; they are simply allowed to be.  She’s clumsy (like every teenage girl), inarticulate (like every teenage girl), and clueless (like every teenage girl).  Because she’s a teenage girl.  Kristen Stewart was 18 when Twilight was released.  Taylor Lautner was 16.  In a sea of movies about teenagers portrayed by 20-year-olds, it’s kind of refreshing to see such young actors.  

I think this is why there is a certain charm in their scenes.  These are the moments that make this 30-something wax nostalgic.  I remember when it was actually like this.  When I just didn’t know what to say and I felt dumb and that mixture between a scoff and a chuckle was as much response as I could muster.

In conclusion, I lied

So yeah, I might have stretched the truth a little when I said this movie was good, because it’s not.  There are better movies to watch if you are feeling nostalgic. 

But if it hit you the same way it hit me, cool.